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Talking About Safe Sex With Your Man

Tom Kerr

How To Make it as Painless as Possible

Talking to men is never exactly a cakewalk, and for centuries women have been trying to figure out how to communicate with men with the same ease that they seem to communicate with other women.  Most women don’t find it difficult to talk about themselves, their feelings, and their ideas, and when women get together to talk about one of their favorite subjects – men – they almost always agree that talking to men is like pulling teeth or getting a mule to sing opera.

To add a layer of complexity to the phenomenon, just toss in sex. Nobody knows how to comfortably talk about sex, except maybe those people who have special phone numbers that charge an arm and a leg (or other body parts) per minute, and advertise on late night television for “friendly conversation” while wearing scanty little outfits and way too much mascara.

We live in a civilization that is obsessed with sex. Sex sells everything from lawn mowers to coffee cups, and yet nobody wants to discuss it.  This is especially problematic when sex can lead to sexually transmitted disease, because while everyone is having sex, and some are even talking sexy, few are talking safely about sex.

But it’s not only a good, healthy idea, it’s an absolute necessity if you want to avoid serious risks. We have to figure out ways to learn to talk about it. The best policy is to start talking about it right away, instead of waiting until some heated and delicate moment of long-overdue passion, when we can barely catch our breath, much less have a calm and enlightening clinical discussion.

But if men are reluctant to communicate, and everyone is nervous talking about sex, then how are we supposed to start talking to men about safe sex?  You may think that once you become intimate with your guy, it will be easier to talk about safe sex, and you are probably right.

But safe sex is not exactly a pillow talk topic, unless you like to get unsettling news or insights right after a romp in the sheets.  And how can you really have playful, fun sex, if you have lingering questions about your health and safety?

It is best to talk about safe sex before you get to the bedroom, and even though it is not as easy a subject to bring up during dinner as, say, golf or football, you can do it, and so can he.  First of all, you owe it to yourself and your partner to do some homework, and read as much as you can about safe sex.

This is not a simple subject, and you may find that the reading and research you do is not only important, but rather fascinating.  Did you know, for example, that you can have an effective HIV test nowadays, without having to give blood?

And did you know, for instance, that sex toys can sometimes carry sexually transmitted diseases? What about kissing, and transmitting herpes – when is it safe, and when is it risky?

After you have taken advantage of the many free sources of excellent information available regarding safe sex practices, you will naturally want to share your newfound knowledge, and what better audience than your new guy? But how do you bring it up, without bringing the mood down.

Try talking about it in a non-threatening and rather objective way, at first. “Hey, sweetheart? Did you hear about that new HIV test they invented? What do you think about all that, anyway?”

His answer will immediately reveal to you whether or not he has any firsthand experience with such tests, and if he does not, you might want to suggest that he get tested. Everyone needs to be tested on a regular basis, and if your man has been with other women but doesn’t seem to know much about safe sex, then you should think twice before making whoopee with him.

At the very least, you need to make clear that you don’t do unsafe sex, and you need to make sure that whenever the opportunity for sex presents itself, there are reliable condoms close at hand.  Some people keep bowls of them around the house during parties, just to remove the stigma of the little packets, while encouraging it as a routine part of our social and sexual lives.

We know one woman who gave her new man chocolates for his birthday, and added a few condoms, just for good measure. He not only appreciated the innuendo, but he responded to the unwritten invitation and had the best birthday ever.

By the time the candles were blown out, she was the one who felt like she needed to write him a thank-you note for all the surprises he gave her, while wearing his sexy birthday suit!  So learn about safe sex, work it into your conversations, and then practice it. There is nothing more liberating than feeling safe when you’re feeling playful; and the safer the sex, the hotter the fun. Practice it with passion.